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ArWen the Eternally Surprised
Author: Ria Time: 2007/11/22
Arwen encounters a strange monk and gains a little extra time.
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Elf Ruler, a Parody
Submitter: Ria Date: 2007/8/25 Views: 305 Rate: 9.00/1
Act 1, Scene 8
Scene VIII

Carchar paces the stage alone.

Carchar:
This is simply appalling! I, who allowed myself to be raised up by the Lord Morgoth, simply in order to benefit my family, am now required to face the angry elves, and that by an elf who has always shunned battle! Is this Silvan gratitude? Is this —

Luthien enters, carrying a rope and a heavy stone.

Go away, miss! How dare you? Am I never to be permitted to soliloquize?

Luthien:
Oh, go on — don't mind me.

Carchar:
What are you going to do with that rope?

Luthien:
I am about to terminate an unendurable existence.

Carchar:
Terminate your existence? Oh, nonsense! What for?

Luthien:
Because you are going to devour the man I adore.

Carchar:
Nonsense, miss. I won't permit it. I am a humane wolf, and if you attempt anything of the kind I shall order your instant arrest. Come, miss, desist at once or I summon the orcs.

Luthien:
That's absurd. If you attempt to call them, I leap into that stream over there, and join my darling in the Gift of Man.

Carchar:
No, no, don't do that. This is horrible! (suddenly) Why, you blood-sucking creature, are you aware that, in taking your life, you are robbing Angband, which — which — which is— Oh! (Struck by an idea.) Substitute!

Luthien:
What's the matter?

Carchar:
Is it absolutely certain that you are resolved to die?

Luthien:
Absolutely!

Carchar:
Will nothing shake your resolution?

Luthien:
Nothing.

Carchar:
Threats, entreaties, prayers — all useless?

Luthien:
All! My mind is made up.

Carchar:
Then, if you really mean what you say, and if you are absolutely resolved to die, and if nothing whatever will shake your determination — don't spoil yourself by jumping in a stream, but be decapitated handsomely at the jaws of the Mighty Devourer!

Luthien:
I don't see how that would benefit me.

After a minute of pretending to think deeply, she strikes an exuberant pose.

Luthien:
I'll tell you how we'll manage it. Let me take him into Angband, and then you may bring us before the assembled elven forces and eat both of us.

Carchar:
No, no. I draw the line at Angband.

Luthien:
Very good. If you can draw the line, so can I. (Preparing rope.)

Carchar:
Stop, stop — listen one moment — be reasonable. How can I consent to your entering Angband, and very likely dying there, if I'm devour you myself?

Luthien:
My good wolf, if the orcs should manage to kill us, you can claim our bodies then.

Carchar:
That's true, of course. I quite see that. But, dear me! My position during the next month will be most unpleasant – most unpleasant.

Luthien:
Not half so unpleasant as my position at the end of it.

Carchar:
But — dear me! — well — I agree — after all, it's only putting off my feasting a little. But you will pretend to put up a terrible struggle when it comes time for me to devour you, won’t you? You see, I’ve gotten the elves to regard me as a very ferocious beast. Now I shouldn't like their views on that point disturbed.

Luthien:
Trust me, they shall never learn the truth from me.
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