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ArWen the Eternally Surprised
Author: Ria Time: 2007/11/22
Arwen encounters a strange monk and gains a little extra time.
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Elf Ruler, a Parody
Submitter: Ria Date: 2007/8/25 Views: 305 Rate: 9.00/1
Act 2, Scene 6
Act 2, Scene VI

Thingol:
(in a bored tone) All this is very interesting, and I should like to have seen it. But we came about a totally different matter. A year ago my daughter, the heir to the throne of Doriath, bolted from our Imperial Court.

Carchar:
Indeed! Had she any reason to be dissatisfied with her position?

Celegorm:
None whatever. On the contrary, I was going to marry her — yet she fled!

Sauron:
(mocking) I am surprised that she should have fled from one so noble!

Celegorm:
You hold that I am not honorable because of the kinslaying. But you know nothing; you are still unenlightened. Learn, then, that it is not in the deeds alone that honor is to be sought. My deeds are shameful!

Sauron:
They are.

Celegorm:
But I have table manners that are a miracle of respectability. People come miles to see them. My way with animals has a fascination that few can resist.

Sauron:
Allow me!

Carchar:
And yet she fled!

Thingol:
And is now masquerading in this area, disguised as a messenger of Morgoth.

Carchar and Sauron:
A messenger of Morgoth!

Thingol:
Yes; would it be troubling you too much if I asked you to produce her? She goes by the name of —

Celegorm:
Luthien.

Thingol:
Luthien.

Carchar:
It's quite easy. That is, it's rather difficult. In point of fact, she's gone abroad!

Thingol:
Gone abroad! Her address?

Carchar:
The Grey Havens!

Celegorm:
(who is reading certificate of death) Ha!

Carchar:
What's the matter?

Celegorm:
See here — her name — Luthien — devoured this morning. Oh, where shall I find another? Where shall I find another?

Carcharoth and Sauron clutch each other in terror.

Thingol:
(looking at paper) Dear, dear, dear! This is very tiresome. (to Carchar) My poor fellow, in your anxiety to intimidate me, you have devoured the heir to the throne of Doriath!

Carchar:
I beg to offer an unqualified apology.

Sauron:
I desire to associate myself with that expression of regret. How could we have known?

Thingol:
Of course you didn't. How could you? Come, come, my good fellow, don't distress yourself — it was no fault of yours. If an elf of exalted rank chooses to disguise herself as a messenger of Morgoth, she must take the consequences. It really distresses me to see you take on so.

Carchar:
We are infinitely obliged to your Majesty —

Sauron:
Very much obliged, your Majesty.

Thingol:
Obliged? Not a bit. Don't mention it. How could you tell?

Sauron:
No, of course we couldn't tell how valuable she really was.

Carchar:
Her name might have been on her pocket-handkerchief, but Vampires don't use pocket-handkerchiefs! Ha! ha! ha!

Thingol:
Ha! ha! ha! (to Celegorm) I forget the punishment for compassing the death of the Heir Apparent.

Carchar and Sauron:
Punishment! (They clutch each other again.)

Thingol:
Yes. Something lingering, with boiling lava in it, I fancy. Something of that sort. I think boiling lava occurs in it, but I'm not sure. I know it's something humorous, but lingering, with either boiling lava or Arien’s fire. Come, come, don't fret — I'm not a bit angry.

Thingol and his retinue exit. Carcharoth and Sauron pace the stage.
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