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ArWen the Eternally Surprised
Author: Ria Time: 2007/11/22
Arwen encounters a strange monk and gains a little extra time.
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Elf Ruler, a Parody
Submitter: Ria Date: 2007/8/25 Views: 305 Rate: 9.00/1
Act 1, Scene 4
Scene IV

Sauron enters, sneering as before. Carcharoth approaches him.

Carchar:
Sauron, it seems that the activities in connection with my approaching dinner must last a week. I should like to do it handsomely, and I want to consult you as to the amount I ought to spend upon them.

Sauron:
Certainly. In which of my capacities? As First Lord of the Treasury, Lord Chamberlain, Attorney General, General of the Angband Host, Lord of Gifts, or Morgoth’s Emissary?

Carchar:
Suppose we say as Morgoth’s Emissary.

Sauron:
Speaking as his Lordship’s Emissary, I should say that, as the Elves will have to pay most of it, don't stint yourself, do it well.

Carchar:
Exactly — as the Elves will have to pay for it. That is your advice.

Sauron:
As Morgoth’s. Of course you will understand that, as General of the Angband Host, I am bound to see that due strategy is observed.

Carchar:
Oh! But you said just now "Don't stint yourself, do it well".

Sauron:
As Morgoth’s Emissary

Carchar:
And now you say that due strategy must be observed.

Sauron:
As General of the Angband Host.

Carchar:
I see. Come over here, where the General can't hear us. (They cross the stage.) Now, as Master of the Kennels, how do you advise me to deal with this difficulty?

Sauron:
Oh, as Kennel Master, I should have no hesitation in saying "Chance it —"

Carchar:
Thank you. (Shaking his hand.) I will.

Sauron:
If it were not that, as Lord Chief Justice, I am bound to see that the rules aren’t violated.

Carchar:
I see. Come over here where the Chief Justice can't hear us. (They cross the stage.) Now, then, as First Lord of the Treasury?

Sauron:
Of course, as First Lord of the Treasury, I could propose a special vote that would cover all necessary defenses, if it were not that, as Archbishop of Middle Earth, it would be my duty to denounce my dishonesty and give myself into my own custody as first Commissioner of Police.

Carchar:
That's extremely awkward.

Sauron:
I don't say that all these distinguished people couldn't be squared; but it is right to tell you that they wouldn't be sufficiently degraded in their own estimation unless they were insulted with a very considerable bribe.

Carchar:
The matter shall have my careful consideration. But my meal and his companions approach, and any little support on your part, such as an abject grovel in a characteristic Valinor attitude, would add to my ferociousness.

Sauron:
No money, no grovel!

They exit together.
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