Monday: Fed up of being boring female geek. Will not look at any more gay porn or otherwise, I promised not to. Fortunately, I slipped in a loophole. Right after I said "I promise," I clinched my friend Jake and whispered in his ear, "Of course, if a famous celebrity ever does a nude pose, I’m sneaking out in the middle of the night and buying that magazine. And if I spot anyone from the Lord of the Rings cast, I’ll slash, hack and stab to get to them. You understand that, don't you?" I think he did - the look on his face had to be agreement. Through the subsequent months, I have threatened to stalk a number of men ranging from Johnny Depp to Denzel Washington and yet I haven't, so he has turned into a smug arrogant bastard. The fool. Now's my time to move.
Tuesday: Have narrowed down my list of possible mates for teenaged grand passion. Focus. Must have focus. Keanu? Too old. Harrison? What am I thinking? Hugo Weaving? Receding hairline. Orli? Too many women the world over fighting over him. No, upon consideration, my destiny is clear. He's tall and lean, moody and complicated, with a baritone that melts the butter on my kitchen table: Feanor. Of course, he’s a fictional character but no matter…something will come up. I knew from the moment I read about him in the Silmarillion that we were soul-mates, so we'll have that going for us. I can tell by his temperament, he has the cool brilliance of George Clooney in Ocean’s Eleven, and Hans Gruber in Die Hard, I'm positive someone who stirred things up in Valinor could liven up dull evenings. As for his behaviour in the ring of doom well, that does it. If he can be sexy when he’s crying for his dead father, just imagine what he's like nekkid. Lord knows, I have.
Wednesday: Depressed. Searched the internet, assuming Feanor would have a web site, waiting for me to read slash about him. He does not. He does, however, have a wife in the Silmarillion. Damn. I learned that she has red hair from the many lotr fan sites, of which, there are far too many. I checked their counters. According to my calculations, at least 125,000 adult females spend really serious amounts of time each day discussing slash. They know everything about the lotr cast from their favourite food to their star sign. They know their inseam measurements. They have made wallpapers for their desktop from lotr publicity shots, so they can stare at Orli’s and lotr gang’s faces between chats. That's so sick. I keep their pictures in my private password protected files, as any sane person would.
Thursday: Recovered resolve. Hannibal didn't let slight details like the Alps stop him, and I 'm not letting 125,000 other fans and bloody Nerdanel the wise stop me. Am upset…I always thought everybody hated Feanor…I was wrong...crazed slash fangirls everywhere in the lotr fandom are trying to claim characters especially Feanor. Grumpy about female over-population. If there were fewer females on the earth, my odds would be much better. Have informed friends of my intentions, so they can prepare for months of chaos. They seemed rather unperturbed.
Friday: Over breakfast, Moira gently suggested my plan to trample all rivals with elephant herds was unrealistic, probably immoral, and definitely illegal. I hate it when she's right. Decided to take direct approach and just write about my unknowing-but-fated and fictional lover. Searched web for about ten hours, finally found a website dedicated to Feanor. When I speak to the webmistress, I must warn her to increase security. Any psycho could hack into it and bother her. Have emailed her asking for advice about what to do if by some quirk of fate Feanor appears in my life.
Saturday: I’m in total shock. My dream has come true. Decided to leave London and go down to Coventry on a daytrip. Spent two bloody hours on coach surrounded by stupid bores. Finally managed to escape during tour of Mercedes car showroom. Made my way to secluded beauty spot and had an impromptu picnic. Went for a walk when without warning…I heard a moan, I rushed to where the sound came from. There was a man lying on the grass…a naked man with pointy ears…a naked man with pointy ears and a muscular body. Drool, dribble, slobber, saliva- okay I know I’m banging on a bit but I can’t help it. I didn’t even have to wonder, it was Feanor. But, just to make sure I gently shook him awake and asked him in English if he was okay, he raised both elegant eyebrows (I noticed this at once) in enquiry. I asked in sindarin elvish, he gave me a haughty look, so I asked him again in noldorin quenya. Ohmygosh! He spoke. He replied that he was well. I asked his name, he replied, “I am Feanaro Curufinwe”. My life is complete.
Took him home with me (well of course…I’m a crazed Feanor fangirl, and Feanor is very fanciable), but only after telling him fiercely not to wander off, rushing to the nearest high end clothes shop (of which there were very few), grabbing very expensive clothes and paying for them, then racing to a trendy café, ordering and frantically paying for food (if you could call it food), then walking carefully but very quickly back to beauty spot. Frantic efforts paid off, he ate the food with evident enjoyment (he is an elf after all…only elves could eat such frugal amounts of food and be satisfied), and the clothes fitted him perfectly.
Wednesday: Began ancillary strategies. Seeing as I now have Feanor with me in my flat and given that there is a danger that crazed psychos might somehow find out about my Feanor, have decided since war elephants are bad form, so instead decided to distract other Crazed Feanor Fangirls, and possibly Nerdanel, with a mortal man. Started Brad Pitt fan site, heavily advertised to those hanging about the lotr forums. Included photo of Brad in a tux from "Meet Joe Black." Feel sorry for his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston and current squeeze Angelina Jolie, but all's fair in love and war. I think she'll (Angelina) rebound if Brad is lured away by the fresh onslaught of adoration. I’m worried that Feanor will be concerned when he finds out there’s been a war going on over him but once we're together, I will console him. Often.
Friday: Diversionary tactic not working as planned. Number of visitors to new Brad Pitt site going up but number of Crazed Feanor Fangirls not decreasing at lotr sites. Apparently, the hussies are lusting after both man and elf at once. Some people have no sense of decorum. The email from the webmistress is here at last. Sent her a lovely picture of Feanorian family as a thank you, with best wishes for the website.
Wednesday: None of the advice was good. What absolute crap. The bitch! I sent her a good picture for nothing. When asked, I told Feanor I was doing something important, have taught him English, he’s a very quick leaner. Suffered twinge of guilt about lying but listened to him reciting poetry until the feeling went away.
Monday: After much thought, I have decided to increase importance of secret mission. Only decisive action is going to have the desired result, so I've been getting a distressing amount of exercise, trimming up to impress Feanor and looking for a good computer shop so I can get a laptop of my own. It occurred to me that I can’t keep going to any more internet cafes, have attracted more than my fair share of strange looks. Must find something to keep Feanor occupied. Jake says I look fine just the way I am, but what does he know?
Friday: The phone bill arrived. Was not amused but once I accidentally spotted a naked Feanor fresh from a bath, was somewhat mollified. True, he makes an odd flatmate, but I guess it doesn't hurt…at all. I asked Jake if my apparent disinterest in him for a drop-dead gorgeous elf bothered him at all. He said, "No, it's good you have a hobby." He is not taking me seriously, I can tell.
Tuesday: Cannot move. Every muscle hurts. To hell with exercise. Feanor spends his days in the makeshift workshop surrounded by beautiful works of his own making; he doesn’t even need exercise, my gritty authenticity is bound to make for a refreshing change. Someone found out about Feanor. I bribed his silence for a pathetically small sum. Took Feanor horse riding; he was overjoyed to be one with nature again. It's all coming together.
Thursday: Severe difficulties. I cannot resist Crazed Feanor Fangirls from besieging my flat, because now it’s drawing attention. Some of them are rather friendly (chatted a bit about the weather and sent me 8x10 glossies of professionally drawn pictures of Feanor), others are just psychos. I think I spotted a woman with hair of a most fascinating shade of red…once. I have an inkling that it's Nerdanel...Dammit. You can't woo someone's husband after you think you accidentally spotted the wife; it ruins the mood and it's uncivilized. It also goes against my principles. That Nerdanel’s shrewd, I'll give her that. I know some Crazed Feanor Fangirls are staking out my flat because my hairdresser guiltily let it slip that she told some Feanor psychos that I have a man in my flat and that they’ve got the blueprints of my flat from the architect's web site.
Have considered booby trapping the flat. I could then lurk around till the perfect moment arrived to kill them, perhaps when they’re distracted by Feanor’s voice. Discarded that notion because I'd have to wear Spandex. What if my gritty authenticity doesn't work? Worse, what if I got caught and banged up in prison for life and never saw Feanor again!? Discouraged. Feanor psychos turned out to be elusive, and now there are 135,000 women regularly visiting lotr fan sites, rumours about my Feanor’s existence are spreading. It is an unfair life, and that's all there is to it. Jake says I should look at the good things I've got. What a geek.
Friday: Received form letter from Brad Pitt, thanking me for my efforts on his fan site. It was addressed to Shar ‘Shazza’ Chambers. Enclosed was a picture of Angelina and him, both smiling and perfect from head to toe. I held it up next to myself in the mirror. I did not look like I was a member of the same species. Went to zoo. Felt better after watching the gorillas for a long, long time. Jake said I should buck up, and he wouldn't trade me for the world. Sometimes he's all right.
Sunday: Nerdanel turned up with sexy sons in tow. Feanor was shocked to say the least. Big lovey-dovey, emotional family reunion ensued, found it hard to be angry…because everyone gave me warm hugs and kisses…I especially enjoyed the kisses. Then they left and went back to Middle Earth or Valinor or where ever. Feanor psychos still won’t leave me alone. Am heartbroken.
Monday: Turns out one particular Feanor psycho has been stalking me instead cos’ he wants a date. Decided to stop moping and start being coy, so I have given up moping after Feanor and sexy sons. Sent my recipe for aphrodisiac-laced tamales to Feanor psycho admirer, so that I can have my wicked way with him. Asked him if he wanted to go to the London Apollo with me to watch Jack Dee.
Claimed I had booked the seats because of my intense interest in comedy. He said it was okay. He also had two cinema tickets to Brad Pitt’s latest film. He said once it's over, when we get back to my flat, I can do absolutely anything I want to him because, after all, he's my new man. I think I will. Mailed Brad and Angelina autographed pictures of Kieran (that’s my new man’s name) and me, both of us smiling and not at all perfect.
======
Dear lawyers, other members of the judiciary system and legal representatives for the Tolkien Estate: This is fiction. I never found Feanor in Coventry and took him to my flat nor will I in the future…sadly. I have never started a Brad Pitt site in order to subvert Feanor’s crazy fans, nor have I contacted innocent web mistresses who have devoted entire websites to Feanor. I have never corresponded with Brad Pitt, not even to send him autographed pictures. I don’t have a boyfriend…sadly. However, as claimed, I do have numerous private password protected files of Orli and lotr gang’s publicity shots, because Wow! If you try to sue me I will tell you I have deleted them, if you write and insist. – Shazza.
~The End~
Tuesday: Have narrowed down my list of possible mates for teenaged grand passion. Focus. Must have focus. Keanu? Too old. Harrison? What am I thinking? Hugo Weaving? Receding hairline. Orli? Too many women the world over fighting over him. No, upon consideration, my destiny is clear. He's tall and lean, moody and complicated, with a baritone that melts the butter on my kitchen table: Feanor. Of course, he’s a fictional character but no matter…something will come up. I knew from the moment I read about him in the Silmarillion that we were soul-mates, so we'll have that going for us. I can tell by his temperament, he has the cool brilliance of George Clooney in Ocean’s Eleven, and Hans Gruber in Die Hard, I'm positive someone who stirred things up in Valinor could liven up dull evenings. As for his behaviour in the ring of doom well, that does it. If he can be sexy when he’s crying for his dead father, just imagine what he's like nekkid. Lord knows, I have.
Wednesday: Depressed. Searched the internet, assuming Feanor would have a web site, waiting for me to read slash about him. He does not. He does, however, have a wife in the Silmarillion. Damn. I learned that she has red hair from the many lotr fan sites, of which, there are far too many. I checked their counters. According to my calculations, at least 125,000 adult females spend really serious amounts of time each day discussing slash. They know everything about the lotr cast from their favourite food to their star sign. They know their inseam measurements. They have made wallpapers for their desktop from lotr publicity shots, so they can stare at Orli’s and lotr gang’s faces between chats. That's so sick. I keep their pictures in my private password protected files, as any sane person would.
Thursday: Recovered resolve. Hannibal didn't let slight details like the Alps stop him, and I 'm not letting 125,000 other fans and bloody Nerdanel the wise stop me. Am upset…I always thought everybody hated Feanor…I was wrong...crazed slash fangirls everywhere in the lotr fandom are trying to claim characters especially Feanor. Grumpy about female over-population. If there were fewer females on the earth, my odds would be much better. Have informed friends of my intentions, so they can prepare for months of chaos. They seemed rather unperturbed.
Friday: Over breakfast, Moira gently suggested my plan to trample all rivals with elephant herds was unrealistic, probably immoral, and definitely illegal. I hate it when she's right. Decided to take direct approach and just write about my unknowing-but-fated and fictional lover. Searched web for about ten hours, finally found a website dedicated to Feanor. When I speak to the webmistress, I must warn her to increase security. Any psycho could hack into it and bother her. Have emailed her asking for advice about what to do if by some quirk of fate Feanor appears in my life.
Saturday: I’m in total shock. My dream has come true. Decided to leave London and go down to Coventry on a daytrip. Spent two bloody hours on coach surrounded by stupid bores. Finally managed to escape during tour of Mercedes car showroom. Made my way to secluded beauty spot and had an impromptu picnic. Went for a walk when without warning…I heard a moan, I rushed to where the sound came from. There was a man lying on the grass…a naked man with pointy ears…a naked man with pointy ears and a muscular body. Drool, dribble, slobber, saliva- okay I know I’m banging on a bit but I can’t help it. I didn’t even have to wonder, it was Feanor. But, just to make sure I gently shook him awake and asked him in English if he was okay, he raised both elegant eyebrows (I noticed this at once) in enquiry. I asked in sindarin elvish, he gave me a haughty look, so I asked him again in noldorin quenya. Ohmygosh! He spoke. He replied that he was well. I asked his name, he replied, “I am Feanaro Curufinwe”. My life is complete.
Took him home with me (well of course…I’m a crazed Feanor fangirl, and Feanor is very fanciable), but only after telling him fiercely not to wander off, rushing to the nearest high end clothes shop (of which there were very few), grabbing very expensive clothes and paying for them, then racing to a trendy café, ordering and frantically paying for food (if you could call it food), then walking carefully but very quickly back to beauty spot. Frantic efforts paid off, he ate the food with evident enjoyment (he is an elf after all…only elves could eat such frugal amounts of food and be satisfied), and the clothes fitted him perfectly.
Wednesday: Began ancillary strategies. Seeing as I now have Feanor with me in my flat and given that there is a danger that crazed psychos might somehow find out about my Feanor, have decided since war elephants are bad form, so instead decided to distract other Crazed Feanor Fangirls, and possibly Nerdanel, with a mortal man. Started Brad Pitt fan site, heavily advertised to those hanging about the lotr forums. Included photo of Brad in a tux from "Meet Joe Black." Feel sorry for his ex-wife Jennifer Aniston and current squeeze Angelina Jolie, but all's fair in love and war. I think she'll (Angelina) rebound if Brad is lured away by the fresh onslaught of adoration. I’m worried that Feanor will be concerned when he finds out there’s been a war going on over him but once we're together, I will console him. Often.
Friday: Diversionary tactic not working as planned. Number of visitors to new Brad Pitt site going up but number of Crazed Feanor Fangirls not decreasing at lotr sites. Apparently, the hussies are lusting after both man and elf at once. Some people have no sense of decorum. The email from the webmistress is here at last. Sent her a lovely picture of Feanorian family as a thank you, with best wishes for the website.
Wednesday: None of the advice was good. What absolute crap. The bitch! I sent her a good picture for nothing. When asked, I told Feanor I was doing something important, have taught him English, he’s a very quick leaner. Suffered twinge of guilt about lying but listened to him reciting poetry until the feeling went away.
Monday: After much thought, I have decided to increase importance of secret mission. Only decisive action is going to have the desired result, so I've been getting a distressing amount of exercise, trimming up to impress Feanor and looking for a good computer shop so I can get a laptop of my own. It occurred to me that I can’t keep going to any more internet cafes, have attracted more than my fair share of strange looks. Must find something to keep Feanor occupied. Jake says I look fine just the way I am, but what does he know?
Friday: The phone bill arrived. Was not amused but once I accidentally spotted a naked Feanor fresh from a bath, was somewhat mollified. True, he makes an odd flatmate, but I guess it doesn't hurt…at all. I asked Jake if my apparent disinterest in him for a drop-dead gorgeous elf bothered him at all. He said, "No, it's good you have a hobby." He is not taking me seriously, I can tell.
Tuesday: Cannot move. Every muscle hurts. To hell with exercise. Feanor spends his days in the makeshift workshop surrounded by beautiful works of his own making; he doesn’t even need exercise, my gritty authenticity is bound to make for a refreshing change. Someone found out about Feanor. I bribed his silence for a pathetically small sum. Took Feanor horse riding; he was overjoyed to be one with nature again. It's all coming together.
Thursday: Severe difficulties. I cannot resist Crazed Feanor Fangirls from besieging my flat, because now it’s drawing attention. Some of them are rather friendly (chatted a bit about the weather and sent me 8x10 glossies of professionally drawn pictures of Feanor), others are just psychos. I think I spotted a woman with hair of a most fascinating shade of red…once. I have an inkling that it's Nerdanel...Dammit. You can't woo someone's husband after you think you accidentally spotted the wife; it ruins the mood and it's uncivilized. It also goes against my principles. That Nerdanel’s shrewd, I'll give her that. I know some Crazed Feanor Fangirls are staking out my flat because my hairdresser guiltily let it slip that she told some Feanor psychos that I have a man in my flat and that they’ve got the blueprints of my flat from the architect's web site.
Have considered booby trapping the flat. I could then lurk around till the perfect moment arrived to kill them, perhaps when they’re distracted by Feanor’s voice. Discarded that notion because I'd have to wear Spandex. What if my gritty authenticity doesn't work? Worse, what if I got caught and banged up in prison for life and never saw Feanor again!? Discouraged. Feanor psychos turned out to be elusive, and now there are 135,000 women regularly visiting lotr fan sites, rumours about my Feanor’s existence are spreading. It is an unfair life, and that's all there is to it. Jake says I should look at the good things I've got. What a geek.
Friday: Received form letter from Brad Pitt, thanking me for my efforts on his fan site. It was addressed to Shar ‘Shazza’ Chambers. Enclosed was a picture of Angelina and him, both smiling and perfect from head to toe. I held it up next to myself in the mirror. I did not look like I was a member of the same species. Went to zoo. Felt better after watching the gorillas for a long, long time. Jake said I should buck up, and he wouldn't trade me for the world. Sometimes he's all right.
Sunday: Nerdanel turned up with sexy sons in tow. Feanor was shocked to say the least. Big lovey-dovey, emotional family reunion ensued, found it hard to be angry…because everyone gave me warm hugs and kisses…I especially enjoyed the kisses. Then they left and went back to Middle Earth or Valinor or where ever. Feanor psychos still won’t leave me alone. Am heartbroken.
Monday: Turns out one particular Feanor psycho has been stalking me instead cos’ he wants a date. Decided to stop moping and start being coy, so I have given up moping after Feanor and sexy sons. Sent my recipe for aphrodisiac-laced tamales to Feanor psycho admirer, so that I can have my wicked way with him. Asked him if he wanted to go to the London Apollo with me to watch Jack Dee.
Claimed I had booked the seats because of my intense interest in comedy. He said it was okay. He also had two cinema tickets to Brad Pitt’s latest film. He said once it's over, when we get back to my flat, I can do absolutely anything I want to him because, after all, he's my new man. I think I will. Mailed Brad and Angelina autographed pictures of Kieran (that’s my new man’s name) and me, both of us smiling and not at all perfect.
======
Dear lawyers, other members of the judiciary system and legal representatives for the Tolkien Estate: This is fiction. I never found Feanor in Coventry and took him to my flat nor will I in the future…sadly. I have never started a Brad Pitt site in order to subvert Feanor’s crazy fans, nor have I contacted innocent web mistresses who have devoted entire websites to Feanor. I have never corresponded with Brad Pitt, not even to send him autographed pictures. I don’t have a boyfriend…sadly. However, as claimed, I do have numerous private password protected files of Orli and lotr gang’s publicity shots, because Wow! If you try to sue me I will tell you I have deleted them, if you write and insist. – Shazza.
~The End~